When I was younger, I dreamed of illustrating a cartoon strip for my hometown newspaper, the Northampton-based Daily Hampshire Gazette. Thus, when Joan Livingston, the Greenfield Recorder’s editor-in-chief, asked if I would be interested in illustrating the Best of Blotter series (curated by Domenic Poli, the police reporter), highlighting unique calls fielded by our local law enforcement officers, I jumped at the opportunity.
From quirky to hilarious, some of the real-life log items contained in this article are stranger than fiction — with premises so outlandish even Bill Waterson of Calvin and Hobbes or the great Charles M. Schulz, the illustrator behind Peanuts, couldn’t dream them up.
More than humor, it’s a glimpse behind the curtain of police work — a chance to see society’s stranger side, which, our law enforcement officers undoubtedly encounter on a daily basis. In some of the reports, the calls to police were completely unwarranted; in others, the caller did the right thing but was put in an awkward situation. Still others are wonderfully worded by the dispatcher or officer recording them.
So, please, pour yourself a cup of coffee, grab a leftover holiday sugar cookie and enjoy this list of the most ridiculous calls emergency dispatchers took in 2019. Part 1 of this series was published in Wednesday’s edition.
10:09 p.m. — Two bobcats are circling around the bleachers while the caller and her friend are sitting at the top — claims they can’t get down and are afraid. Courtesy transport provided.
10:34 a.m. — Party into the station to report an incident that happened while he was driving and stopped at the intersection of Prospect Street and Highland Avenue. He needed to edge out to check for oncoming traffic. An unknown male party on a skateboard came speeding down the sidewalk, entered the roadway and slid across the front bumper of his van and onto the hood, causing very minor damage. After laying on the ground for a few seconds, he got up, declined help from the driver, hopped on the skateboard and sped away yelling, “HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH” Reporting party just wanted it on record.
5:18 p.m. — Report of a domestic disturbance on Wisdom Way. Caller stated she heard a man and a woman yelling, items being smashed and a child crying. No problems or disturbance at time of police arrival. Five-year-old at residence having temper tantrum and adults are loud talkers who were killing house flies with newspapers.
3:34 p.m. — Caller on Power Square believes she is being watched through her bathroom ceiling fan. Advised to inspect fan and contact police if found to be tampered with.
12:01 p.m. — Clinical & Support Options resident observed on the ground by officer on Federal Street. Same advised he was looking at ants. No other issues.
11:05 a.m. — Walk-in brought in a fireproof safe that she found in the woods behind her property (in the Leyden Woods area).
2:17 a.m. — Officer out assisting resident at the intersection of Main and Conway streets. Man walking in the road. No shoes. Stated he was just out for a walk and has no shoes because he is “the hobbit.”
7:32 a.m. — Caller on Maple Street reported raccoon on his property, in his planter, not acting strangely, but he assumed it shouldn’t have been out at this hour.
10:20 a.m. — Parking enforcement stated a homeless man is out by a stump with what appear to be several big knives stating he’ll carve it up into a totem pole. Man wants to turn an ugly stump into art. DPW notified to see what plan is for this stump. Man not incapacitated at this time. No issues.
11:42 p.m. — Walk-in would like to drop off rounds of ammunition that he put through the washing machine.
7:12 p.m. — At apartments at 92 Chapman St., ongoing harassment from neighbors regarding doing dishes in a timely manner.
5:45 p.m. — Reporting party states that high school “ruffians” are smoking marijuana and playing loud music at Poet’s Seat Tower. Caller stated it was so disruptive they had to leave. Music was turned down prior to arrival. Persons advised of complaint.
2:39 p.m. — Reporting party she was given a “sample” of marijuana last night and believes it contained Suboxone. Caller states she received free cannabis from a friend, and that she feels “funny” in an unusual way. She denied needing any medical assistance and said she would speak with her doctor at her next appointment.
12:59 p.m. — Caller reporting two women chasing after a man on foot in a blue Mazda. Caller reporting man being chased is in his 30s, khaki pants, black shirt, wearing a hat. Located all involved. Same were hugging and indicated it was not as reported.
12:52 a.m. — Officer out checking on vehicle near the pier on 1st Street. Woman said she was just looking for a place to watch stars. Woman was moved along.
8:11 p.m. — Report of a threat being made on Phillips Street. Caller states the husband of the woman he has been messaging texted him from her phone making threats. Advised caller to stop texting married women and the problems will stop.
5:46 p.m. — Reporting party reporting a skunk stumbling around in the road, sounds either injured or rabid. Two shots fired; skunk taken care of.
2:50 p.m. — Reporting party states a homeless man, Paul (a man with at least one fake leg), has been caught peeing by their van multiple times. Just happened again; reporting party would like an officer to speak with Paul and advise him to stop. Man seen urinating twice last week and twice this week next to a dumpster.
8:53 a.m. — Caller states her dog died at a house on Elm Street overnight and the homeowners buried it and won’t let her come get the dog so she can cremate it. Officer Joshua Dobosz to follow up on these claims.
3:20 p.m. — Reporting party on Oak Court was afraid her house is going to be raided for drugs. Advised. Reporting party called, demanding to know why everyone in her building is saying that Greenfield Police is about to “break down her doors” and “raid her apartment.”
6:16 p.m. — Caller on Lilac Court stating someone walked into her residence, hit her in the face and then left on foot. Denying any need for medical attention; just wants officer to respond and investigate. Mutual assault and battery between former friends over a hair straightener. Advised of options.
4:15 p.m. — Employee at Dollar General at 10 Colrain Road reporting a customer ate product in store and refused to pay; footage available. Reporting party advises well-dressed woman entered store, opened and consumed a Hostess snack and refused to pay for the item stating she didn’t like it. Poor video footage; no vehicle info. Reporting party will advise if woman returns to store.
9:52 a.m. — Reporting party states she has called multiple times to complain about a woman’s dog who is never on leash and runs and jumps on her and her dogs. Reporting party states today around 9:20 when she asked the other woman about a leash she replied, “We have our own philosophies on leashes.”
7:40 p.m. — Raccoon on stairs at 14 French King Highway. Tenant unable to get to his apartment.
9:14 p.m. – Reporting party reporting two suspicious males walking on K Street saying “The Lord’s Prayer” and “Hail Mary,” advised one of the them was dressed as a priest. Reporting party did not feel that the men were in the right frame of mind., last seen heading toward Avenue A. Office Ruddock advised.
10:32 p.m. — Caller in a Chapman Street apartment stating people are stealing her life and she is being harassed constantly by everyone and by the TV.
11:38 a.m. — Caller from Aromatic Fillers at 38 Haywood St. would like to speak with an officer regarding man entering his business and being hostile and loud. Early summer, late summer, today, entered unauthorized area of building and yelled “to keep your stink inside the building.” Frightens the employees and is outraged, this is the third time. Will check surrounding area for vehicle, may live in the area but unknown. Reporting party looking for a no trespass order if involved man can be served at a good address. Located vehicle and subject on Riddell Street. Information given to candle company.
12:30 p.m. — A delivery driver from Domino’s Pizza showed up in the lobby of the Greenfield Police Station with a $45 order. Police informed the driver they did not place the order. (Note: The next night, Dec. 21, a person called Domino’s from the same phone number, again claiming to be the Greenfield Police and ordered pizza. Domino’s was again advised the police did not place an order, and told to block the number, which Domino’s workers said they had received calls from “all night.”)
8:44 p.m. — A woman was arrested on a warrant after police responded to the apartment complex at 4 Armory St. for reports of a woman in a maroon jacket “carrying a bow and arrow” and involved in an altercation with a man in a silver “mini SUV.”
8:41 a.m. — Caller at 135 School St. reporting roommate uses chemicals and highly scented things to purposely aggravate her chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Spoke with caller who reported housemate has been harassing her by putting dryer sheets and other smelly things all over the house. She was advised of her HPO options.
2:08 p.m. — Report of vandalism at 135 School St. Pan/pot holder in kitchen was destroyed by her housemate. Reporting party reports she would like this documented in the log as part of a pattern of harassment being perpetrated against her. Reporting party was advised.