Sometimes, it starts with the making of a simple and genuine apology. That may create the space and the place for perhaps one of the more challenging human responses and reactions: to forgive. When an apology is real and sincere, it invites the recipient to have an opportunity to forgive an action, behavior, or statement. To forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. On the surface, this sounds easy … but it’s often anything but.
It is an essential and integral aspect of the human condition to make mistakes, to engage in conflict, or to have an error in judgment. No matter what anyone says — we’ve all been there … done or said or even thought things about others (or ourselves) that were based on ego, fear, greed, or unmet need. In addition, it’s human to occasionally act on impulse without having thought things through as we could have or perhaps should have. In those moments, we are most vulnerable to missing the mark, and not seeing or understanding the impact of that miss. Mistakes happen — and then what?
Many of us have grown up to feel embarrassed, if not humiliated, when we become aware that we’ve erred. Our training toward becoming autonomous and accountable adults often does not include learning how to “own up” to admit we did something wrong or inappropriate or just not helpful to or for others. We lack and we need the grace to be able to apologize with sincere presence.
When we repress or ignore the impulse to make an apology, we also deny the person who needs/wants/should have that apology the opportunity to consider and then forgive us for our misdeed or misstatement. What often evolves from this set-up is that both people become frustrated: the doer, who feels they were led into doing what they did because of the other person, and the receiver, who is left holding resentment or anger about having felt someone else’s verbal or behavioral wrath. Thus, the residue between the two is awkward and uncomfortable, and the situation remains unresolved with two hurt individuals. This is not unique — it is commonplace, often a daily component of our awake hours.
Without fear of embarrassment or retribution, it might be easier to let go of our ego momentarily and own our harm-doing. But these two are mighty big concerns, often shutting us down from the receiving or giving “I am truly sorry” type of statements. If the apology is real and forthcoming without prodding, then it’s possible for forgiveness to be bestowed and for the relationship to be made right again.
When one forgives, it is a direct acknowledgement that they now understand and accept that what was done was said or done in error and perhaps without malintent. Most of us can sense when an apology is sincere — and that is a criterion we consider to be able to offer forgiveness in response.
Forgiving and being forgiven by another person are important interactive dynamics when building interpersonal relationships of any type. From both sides, apologies and forgiveness can ease the pain of a moment gone wrong. When one offers a grounded apology, it speaks highly of their degree of self-regulation, interpersonal awareness, and commitment to care and respect. And if one who has been offended finds it within themselves to forgive, doing so may help to heal the hurt or suffering they just experienced.
This type of interaction can bring deeper understanding and empathy into a relationship, as well as one of the most important elements of all: trust. Trust must be earned over time; when one demonstrates accountability for what they say or do, that becomes a building block of trust and this enables people to connect on a deeper level.
As if mere words could bring apologies and forgiveness when and where necessary, let’s remember that sharing an authentic “I’m sorry” and/or an “I forgive you” is rarely an easy thing to say, but can serve to transform a relationship or a fraught situation. It takes personal and moral strength to be able to say either one. Words matter and speaking our truth when we’ve hurt someone or been hurt by someone is a meaningful way forward.
In our society and the world at large today, we’ve become extremely litigious. One of the outcomes of this approach to relationships is that winning someone else’s money seems to become more important than words or feelings. Imagine a world where one could undue or at least try to minimize harm and violence by offering empathy, respect, and care instead of going to court and suing another person for their lack of judgement or error. Here I am thinking of John Lennon’s epic and iconic song, “Imagine” and wondering what a better place it would be if we could lean into giving and receiving poignant apologies and forgiveness as a way of moving ourselves, our relationships, and the world forward.
Daniel Cantor Yalowitz writes a regular column in the Recorder. A developmental and intercultural psychologist, he has facilitated change in many organizations and communities around the world. His two most recent books are “Journeying with Your Archetypes” and “Reflections on the Nature of Friendship.” Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.