From a distance, you look like my friend, even though we are at war …
— Julie Gold
We are, all of us, in a fight for our lives. At its base, I believe, this struggle has everything to do with another form of epidemic — a worldwide contagion of loneliness. Certainly, as we slowly emerge from the pandemic of COVID-19, we have been concurrently experiencing a profound period of self/other isolation. As we unlock ourselves from a deeply insular survival-based existence, it is as though, for so many of us, from school age to old age, we must re-learn the skills and attributes of social connection.
To do so, we must evolve from the fear many of us have felt for the past several years, whether we were masked or not. Isolation and loneliness have many root causes. All human beings are not only vulnerable to one or more of them, but rare is the individual who has never experienced either over the course of their life. So we must start on this journey from isolation to connection with the knowledge that both are natural elements of the human condition, and both exist as the end-points of a scale or continuum that includes both — and everything in-between.
Human connection and relations are based on two major forms of human intelligence, according to Daniel Goleman. These are social intelligence and emotional intelligence. Both take ongoing practice — really over the course of an entire lifetime — to refine, and to integrate into our complex personalities. Among other things, COVID-19 has had the effect of slowing down, even dulling these elements of our individual and collective sense of how to be with others in meaningful ways. Because of enforced physical isolation, even the mere wearing of masks, issues of lack of self-confidence and interpersonal competence arose, especially for those in the K-12 phase of their schooling and lives.
As the world re-opens, it becomes a necessity to “get out there” all over again, and continue to practice the skills that reinforce a sense of self and ongoing goodwill with others. Last week, in this space, Chris Queen wrote of the connection between loneliness and medical and psychiatric issues. The week before, in a letter to the editor in the Recorder, Philip Grise wrote about the critical link between health providers and loneliness. This is not new news, but it is of paramount importance that, as a community, a region, a state, and a nation, we come together to recognize the links between mental, physical, social, and emotional health.
To build meaningful relationships with others, we must be willing to risk and step outside of ourselves. Doing so involves very basic yet incredibly complex communication skills, including when, how, and in what ways we can phrase and ask questions of others. The need to know is as important as the need to connect. Curiosity regarding others and the world at large is a critical aspect of human intelligence. Without daily and plentiful opportunities to practice, our social and emotional muscles begin to weaken, to atrophy even, as does our confidence in our abilities to strengthen these skills sets.
It has been said, “to have a friend you must be one …” Following along, it is helpful to show and share our interest and our curiosity about others both known and not known to us. And one of the best ways to do this is to ask meaningful questions, demonstrating that another person matters to us, and we want to know their story, their narrative — even if only a fractional piece of it.
We are not lesser if we defer to others at times, if we include them in our thoughts, considerations, and activities over the course of a day. It is a strength to be able to de-center to be inclusive of others. I’m a believer that in terms of effective and caring communication and connection, what goes around comes around. We have the challenge, opportunity, and joy to build sustainable friendships and human relationships each and every day. Each day and each time we do, we fortify ourselves, we nourish our lives and build from within.
Beyond all the research that’s out there about the negative impacts of going it alone, of pursuing a self-isolating life modality, we know from our life experience that it feels better to reach out or be reached out to in order to break the chain of what I call “aloneliness.” If we need help in doing so, we only need ask a trusted person to engage with us. “Is there more?” is one of the best questions ever invented to draw out someone else’s needs, wants, cares, concerns, dreams, and fears. And, when it comes to building our communities, this is as good a place as any to start.
Daniel Cantor Yalowitz writes a regular column in the Recorder. A developmental and intercultural psychologist, he has facilitated change in many organizations and communities around the world. He is former chairman of the Greenfield Human Rights Commission and his two most recent books are “Journeying with Your Archetypes” and “Reflections on the Nature of Friendship.”Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.