TURNERS FALLS — To some, thoughts of dying are something to be put out of mind until death’s door. To others, they go best with tea and cake.
Roughly 10 local residents, most of whom were seniors, cozied up at the Gill-Montague Senior Center on Monday to indulge in the village’s third Death Café, “a group-directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives or themes,” as defined by international Death Café community website deathcafe.com. Explicitly separate from a grief support or counseling forum, the gathering fostered dialogue regarding how one views death and related philosophies.
While some in attendance said they arrived already unafraid of their own death, organizer Pam Allan said such an environment can help those who are fearful of death to look at it differently.
“When you’re up against a fear,” she said, “talking about it is always a good idea.”
Allan’s own journey, she said, began at her near-infancy, being just 3 years old when her father died. While the topic was taboo to reference in her household, Allan’s family also clung to Catholic values, which indicated a “fine line” between death and sainthood. As she grew and reflected upon her father’s death within the scope of her Catholicism, Allan viewed her father as a saint.
Others in attendance “began to feel death every day, not as a desire, but as a reality” as they’ve gone through their lives, as articulated by Turners Falls resident William Hayes. Some indicated an inextricable link between life’s beginning and end.
“My perspective is that there are two universal shared experiences: one is that you are existing and being born, and the other is that you are going to die,” Hayes said.
“For me, the subject of death is a lot like the subject of birth,” said Montague Center resident Karun Das. “There’s so much of life that is focused on that one moment.”
Those who volunteered their perspectives at Monday’s Death Café ranged from people with mere interest in the subject to people who have devoted large portions of their lives to studying death. Das, for instance, credited his thoughts to a history of attending other Death Cafés, related collegiate studies and leadership of a hospice choral group. Alternatively, Montague City resident Mary Kay Mattiace’s resumé includes a degree in religious studies and pastoral care, 15 years leading a support group for parents who lost a child under 2 years old, 35 years as an emergency room nurse, and a childhood that involved slaughtering animals on a farm.
“I don’t ever remember a time in my life when I wasn’t comfortable with death,” Mattiace said.
For those who didn’t draw on a history of formally addressing the topic, impetus to join the dialogue emerged with age.
“As I’ve gotten older, it seems more important to think about it in a practical way,” said Greenfield resident Wendy Robinson, who added that her sister gives talks to people about the importance of preparing for death.
“I’m a human and I like to have my eyes wide open, and death’s coming up,” Turners Falls resident Nina Rossi said with cheerful inflection, eliciting laughter from her peers.
Allan said her experience organizing and participating in Death Cafés has resulted in “a lightening up” of how she views death. As the group smiled and quipped together, a desire for the rest to embrace a similar comfort shone through.
“I want to get to know death and dying, and I want to know about community,” Rossi said.
“I think most people will agree,” Das said. “It’s not something that gets talked about or fought about in our society.”
Allan encourages those seeking more information to contact her at pamallan.x@gmail.com. While she might plan another Death Café in the near future, she added that space would be limited and suggested that those who are interested consider organizing their own.
Reach Julian Mendoza at 413-772-0261, ext. 261 or jmendoza@recorder.com.