Couples can spend months, sometimes more than a year, planning a wedding. The venue, guest list, flowers, food, and music all take time to figure out. But there is another important kind of preparation: preparing for the marriage and the life you will build together.
Even couples who know each other well may not have explored some of the important questions that come with building a shared life. Consider asking each other: If we want children, what would we want to carry forward from our own upbringing, and what would we do differently? What role will our families have in our lives? What do we each want and need in our sexual and intimate relationship? How will we divide responsibilities and handle money? What role will religion play? What values do we want to prioritize? And perhaps most importantly, how will we navigate differences in needs, values, and priorities?
I’ve observed that one of the greatest challenges couples face is how each partner handles their own distress when the other disagrees or sees things differently. There needs to be enough overlap in values, interests, and hopes for the future to want to blend two lives into a marriage. Yet significant differences are inevitable. What often hurts relationships is not the difference itself, but what happens when differences become difficult to tolerate. Judgment, criticism, defensiveness, or trying to prove the other person wrong can quickly replace curiosity, acceptance, understanding, and the ability to work through differences together.
A crucial mindset for couples is making it a priority to truly understand each other, especially when they disagree. This means slowing down to listen, not simply to respond, defend a position, or convince the other person to see things differently, but to become genuinely curious about how their partner thinks and feels, what matters to them, and why. Understanding one another does not require agreement. It means making room for two different perspectives without either person having to be wrong. For couples caught in patterns of criticism and judgment, this shift toward curiosity and understanding can be transformative, creating greater emotional safety and connection and helping them navigate differences as a team.
Money
Our attitudes toward spending, saving, debt, and financial security are often shaped long before we meet our partner. Are you a spender or saver? What debts are you bringing into the marriage? Will you combine finances, keep some money separate, or both? How will you make major financial decisions? The goal is not identical attitudes about money, but a financial partnership that feels fair and transparent to both.
Children and Parenting
If you want children, what do you want to carry forward from your own upbringing, and what would you do differently? What are your beliefs about discipline, education, religion, and parenting styles? What if you have difficulty conceiving? Couples cannot anticipate every parenting situation, but fundamental differences deserve honest discussion before marriage.
Sex and Intimacy
Being able to communicate about sex and intimacy is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship. Can you share openly about sexual pleasure, including what you enjoy, what you may not enjoy, and what you each need for a fulfilling sexual relationship? Have you talked about what each of you wants and feels comfortable with around affection, initiating sex, and pornography?
Desire and sexual needs can change throughout a marriage, and it is common for partners to want sex with different frequency or at different times. Rather than expecting their desires to always match, what matters is whether they can talk openly about these differences with honesty, kindness, and respect. Can each partner feel heard and understood without feeling pressured, rejected, or blamed? Can they work together to find ways of navigating their differences that honor the needs and boundaries of both?
Family, In-Laws, and Boundaries
How much time will you spend with extended family? How will you divide holidays? What if a parent needs financial help or care? How will you respond when family members have opinions or expectations about your relationship, parenting, or decisions? Can you discuss what boundaries may be needed with family members? Clear boundaries can protect the couple’s relationship while honoring important family connections, culture, and traditions.
Work, Home, and the Life You Want to Create
How will you share the responsibilities of managing your home and daily life, including cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, and keeping track of what needs to be done? What if one person earns significantly more? How much time do you each want for friends, hobbies, or time alone?
Emotions, Needs, and Connection
People can love each other deeply and still have different needs for closeness. What helps each of you feel emotionally close and connected? How important are affection, words of appreciation, or contact during the day? When you are upset, can you communicate whether you want comfort, space, advice, or simply someone to listen?
When Things Get Hard Between You
How do you handle your own emotional distress? Do you yell, name-call, show contempt, make threats, or shut the other person out? When something your partner has said or done has hurt or upset you, are you able to talk about it without criticizing or blaming them? When your partner brings a concern to you, can you listen without becoming defensive or dismissive? If one of you needs a break, are you able to return to the conversation later? After a difficult interaction, do you know how to repair the hurt and reconnect?
Building a Life Together
Perhaps one of the most important questions before saying “I do” is not simply, “Do we agree?” It is, “What happens between us when we don’t?” And, “Can we stay connected and loving while talking about hard things?”
If these conversations are difficult, working with a couples therapist or coach can help partners develop the skills to communicate and work through differences while staying connected.
Marriage asks two different people to build a life together. I am cheering on all premarital couples to have these important conversations, truly get to know and understand each other, and learn to navigate differences with curiosity, respect, and love. The time and care you invest in preparing for your marriage may be among the most meaningful preparations you make for your wedding day.
Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information, visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.