Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I’ve always put up my tree early, listening to Christmas music right after Thanksgiving and happily shopping for just the right gifts. Or it used to be.
I imagine many people reading this can relate to the following words. It’s not so jolly and bright for everyone. Grief can take away holiday happiness for those who have lost a loved one. I’m one of those people dealing with grief, one who lost her loved one in June and I struggle every day.
For those who have not experienced grief it’s difficult to understand the depth of the underlying feelings. Oh it’s fairly easy to paste on a phony smile and head out to deal with the world. After all, you can’t look miserable all the time. Grief is overwhelming, whether it’s a parent, child, dear friend or a partner of many years. There are different layers of grief. The first is when the loved one dies and you’re not quite ready to handle it unless it’s been a long, arduous illness and you expect the inevitable, then it’s a combination of sadness and relief, to a degree. However, if it’s sudden or unexpected, the actual grief will begin immediately.
If you’re lucky grief will come and go daily so you get a few minutes of peace. It most likely hits you in the face immediately as you wake up and wonder how you’re going to be able to live daily as the loss grabs you by the soul knowing you’re now alone. Been there, done that.
They say it’s the “first” holidays that are the most difficult and it’s true. Birthdays, Christmas, New Years, vacation time, etc. are never the same again. I did the birthday thing already and got through Thanksgiving but now it’s the biggie. You find yourself looking at the men’s or women’s wear wondering what he or she will like and getting hit in the face with reality. I’ve been doing that lately.
My guy used to love watching television with just the Christmas tree lights on and, when he was ill last Christmas, which was actually a two-year journey, that’s what we did because I couldn’t find the will to actually decorate the tree. Thank God for my daughter-in-law who came to my rescue.
This year I was determined to put up the damn tree and light it ahead of Christmas. I even put a few ornaments on but once again, Cait to my rescue along with my son of course.
I even joined a 6-week grief group through Hospice and it helped a lot. At least now I can actually smile at people and even find myself laughing at times. But I’m still alone on a daily basis, just me and my dog and walking through the empty rooms can still make me sad.
The moral of this story I guess is this: While all of you are able to enjoy the spirit of Christmas and good cheer please look around you and take some precious moments to visit someone who is alone. Don’t try to force your happiness and cheery spirit on those not quite ready to accept it. Give them your understanding and kindness and bring them cookies along with yourself and wish them a better upcoming year. You’ll be appreciated.
Sheila Quinlivan lives in Winchester, New Hampshire.