Ever since I was born, I have always been a night owl. My mom’s best friend, who is like another aunt to me, tells stories about how even when I was an infant I would be the only one awake with her watching the end of the movie or “Saturday Night Live” — long after her husband and both of my parents had fallen asleep on the sofa.
It could be hereditary because my mom is a notorious night owl too, but especially, as I’ve become older, late-night has firmly cemented itself as my favorite part of the day. It’s when I get to put my never-ending to-do list of emails and writing assignments to rest by closing down my laptop and watch TV while unwinding from the day.
The latest show that my mom and I have been into is called “Ordinary Joe,” and it is actually what gave me the idea for this column. The show begins with the main character, Joe, on the day of his college graduation with three definitive paths for the rest of his life laid out ahead of him.
As he stands there pondering which path to take, his best friend swoops in to playfully tease him about the fact that Joe hasn’t made a decision for himself in over a decade. To further cement his friend’s point, Joe doesn’t make a decision in that moment because the premise of the show consists of viewers following each of the three paths he could have taken.
After all, it is only natural to question how his life would have been different if he had made a different decision, but in exploring the outcomes of each path, the show takes the notion of “what ifs” to a whole other level.
Everyone has a “what if” moment. Some of us have more than we would ever care to admit. Every person on this Earth is a product of choices, both theirs and of those who has come before them. These choices dictate who we are, for better or for worse. The concept of the show got me wondering about my own biggest “what if.”
What if I hadn’t been born with a disability?
Being born with an imbalanced genetic code that allowed the disability that I have to take root, pretty much ensured my fate since I was conceived. And it has dictated every decision that has been made on my behalf, or ones that I have made, since then.
But what if I hadn’t had to spend my entire life conscious of how different I was from those around me? What if I had been born with “normal” functioning muscles and had the opportunity to live a life of moderate independence similar to my peers?
How would just that one aspect being different have changed the course of my life? And as a result of it, would I be a different person today?
I don’t often allow these thoughts to cross my mind, because I don’t necessarily find them constructive to my mental health. But after watching the show, I allowed my mind to wander on what could have been if my fate hadn’t been cemented by my genes, and I realized something in that moment: wondering “what if” doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
This may sound like a trivial realization, but in the disabled population, questioning how your life would have been different if you had been born “normal” is an extremely stigmatized topic, as most normal things within the disabled population are. And, quite honestly, it can be painful to imagine the life I could have had if these physical limitations hadn’t been thrust onto me — because the fact is, that they were.
But even if I had been presented with a choice for a different, less complicated life, I would bet I wouldn’t choose differently — because the circumstances surrounding my disability have shaped me into the person I am today. And I think it would be extremely naive to trade the person I am today, for the idea of what could have been.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some days when I completely resent having a disability; when I wish for nothing more than to be able to hop in the shower any time I want or go to the bathroom independently. There are days when having a disability just sucks. But it would be ignorant of me not to acknowledge all the kind people and opportunities it has brought into my life.
The fact remains that I am happy with the life that I have. So while it is only natural to wonder “what if” from time to time, I find it more prudent to focus that energy on daydreaming about plans that are actually in my control.
Joanna Buoniconti is a freelance writer and an editorial intern at INCLUDAS Publishing. She can be reached at columnist@gazettenet.com.