The bathroom laws ensure that the person using, for instance, a women’s bathroom, is truly a woman and not a guy dressed up like a woman or a transgender person. This is done by comparing the person’s gender on his or her birth certificate to the gender of the bathroom that he or she wishes to use.
Now these laws could result in great jobs programs! Thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, of jobs could be created. To enforce these laws there would need to be a state official posted at the entrance of each bathroom, checking the birth certificate of each along with a picture ID, to prevent gender bathroom fraud. Once passed, the individual could receive an ink stamp on the back of his or her hand so that they could go later to the next bathroom without having to go through the same hassle again.
But what about the individuals who don’t pass the test? I thought you would never ask. Maybe they forgot their birth certificate or picture ID. Well, with each official there will be a screen, somewhat like in some doctors’ offices, that will provide privacy. Behind that screen will also be two state provided official five gallon buckets, one stenciled on it “Number One” and the other of course as you might have guessed saying “Number Two.”
Now these bathroom officials should have distinctive uniforms and titles. Maybe in fancy places they might be known as “Gender Gendarmes,” giving them a bit of a fancy French flavor, while for the more common locations merely “Potty Police” would suffice. Also, keeping up with the alliteration motif there would also need to be a group of state employees known as “Bucket Buccaneers” who would be members of the “Bucket Brigade.” They would be on-call to take close to full or odiferous buckets and replace them for unused buckets.
Now not only would these state bathroom laws provide employment, maybe in the place of welfare payments, they would also be a shot in the arm to the bucket industry.
Tom Tolg
Greenfield