Focus on Your Health: Finding joy after loss: Surviving your first holiday without a loved one

Anita Fritz

Anita Fritz

This holiday season, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, whether it’s help preparing some holiday treats, decorating the home, shopping, or just a shoulder to lean on.

This holiday season, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, whether it’s help preparing some holiday treats, decorating the home, shopping, or just a shoulder to lean on. PEXELS/PAVEL DANILYUK


For the Recorder

Published: 11-17-2023 12:03 PM

The holidays are almost upon us, and most will gather with family and friends to celebrate, but there might not be “joy” for some who have lost a loved one and are celebrating a first holiday without them.

You might find yourself staring at a chair once occupied by the loved one you lost and find yourself feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Grief never takes a holiday, says Dr. Stuart Anfang, vice chair for Clinical Services, Psychiatry at Baystate Health.

“It’s only natural to experience a range of emotions such as sadness, loneliness, and a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness as you navigate the hustle and bustle of the holidays alone. Those feelings of grief, especially during Thanksgiving and the December holidays, often become more intense for those preparing to spend these joyous occasions for the first time without a spouse, child or other beloved family member or friend by their side,” said Dr. Anfang.

He said you don’t have to suffer alone.

“Recognize that you are not alone, and that mixed or sad feelings during the holidays are not uncommon. Do not suffer in silence and watch for the tendency to isolate or withdraw from others. Denying or bottling up your feelings — or self-medicating with alcohol or drugs — are worrisome signs,” said Dr. Anfang.

Anticipation of the holidays can cause more stress than the holidays themselves.

Dr. Anfang noted that planning for the approaching holidays is the first step in developing your coping strategy, and there is no wrong or right way to deal with the holidays.

Begin by making decisions that are comfortable for you and your family. Use your awareness that things are different to help you plan what makes sense. Holiday preparations, traditions, and family time may all feel less than normal. It is also important to remember that your emotions and energy level are strongly connected. Good self-care routines are important as you prepare and deal with the holiday season. Get plenty of rest and pay attention to healthy eating. Use alcohol in moderation. Plan self-care activities that will feed your mind, body and spirit. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

Additional tips from the American Psychological Association (APA) for making a plan that works for you include:

■Are there some traditions you would rather not do because they are just too painful to relive? Why not introduce something new into your routine?

■Do you want to celebrate in the same place and be reminded of your loved one? Maybe you might want to consider traveling this season instead of staying home.

■Who are the people you want to be around? Enjoy their company when they invite you for a visit.

■Can you handle an all-day celebration? Be flexible with yourself and let the host know you may only stay for a short while.

The APA also reminds those grieving that once the holiday finally arrives, “just like any other day it only lasts 24 hours.”

Dr. Anfang stressed that it’s okay and not a sign of weakness to ask for help, whether it’s help preparing some holiday treats, decorating the home, shopping, or just a shoulder to lean on.

“If you wish, you can find a way of formally remembering your loved one who is not physically present with you. For example, serving their favorite dessert and reflecting on the joy that it brought to your loved one in the past. It is stressful to experience the holiday without your loved one, but you can find ways to honor and include them,” he said.

Together you can share a holiday that is different, but still meaningful and hopeful. As a family, you can add a memory ritual into your holiday by including a special activity such as looking at old photo albums, making or displaying a special holiday decoration with significant ties to the deceased.

Many people also find solace in giving as it is the “season of giving,” noted Dr. Anfang.

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) suggests that sometimes giving to others is the biggest comfort during times of grief. Many people volunteer during the holidays, which can include serving meals at a local shelter or distributing toys to children in need.

It is also possible that the holidays will offer a reprieve from feeling sad and you might find yourself caught up in the moment as you experience the joy of family and friends around you.

“If you are noticing more significant symptoms causing impairment at work, school or home problems with sleep, low energy, dramatic change in appetite or weight, inability to concentrate, frequent crying, easy irritability, thoughts of hurting yourself or wanting to die, that may be time to seek some professional evaluation. A good place to start can be your primary care provider or a trusted clergy. Bottom line help is available and do not suffer in silence,” said Dr. Anfang.

Anita Fritz is a lifelong resident of Franklin County. She was a reporter for the Greenfield Recorder for 20 years. She is currently the senior specialist for public affairs and community relations for Baystate Franklin Medical Center.