Let’s Talk Relationships: Uncovering the roots of negative self-talk: What you say to yourself echoes in your relationships

By AMY NEWSHORE

For the Recorder

Published: 04-11-2025 9:54 AM

Modified: 04-14-2025 9:38 AM

Our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves greatly impact how we feel and act in our close relationships. Humans are the only species that engage in “self-talk.” Many of us find ourselves having both positive thoughts about ourselves (for example, “I feel proud for what I just accomplished”) and other times negative and self-defeating thoughts (such as, “I am not attractive enough”). In my work with couples, it is often the derogatory self-talk that each individual engages in that contributes to the difficult and painful dynamics between partners.

Where does negative self-talk come from?

There are many key factors at play in a child’s developing brain and sense of self. Along with any positive and helpful influences, a child may face difficult situations over which they have no control. They may get negatively compared to a sibling, be bullied at school, experience unreasonable expectations and demands from a parent, suffer from violence, experience emotional abuse or neglect, experience great loss, or be exposed to addiction. In any of these situations, a child’s essential needs (such as protection, safety, and security) are not adequately met. Any of these experiences can lead a child to develop negative, deeply ingrained core beliefs that become their inner critic. These beliefs, formed in childhood, often impact our adult relationships.

Most, if not all of us, do not leave childhood unscathed. Whether it is due to imperfect home and school environments, cultural or religious messages, or gender-based stereotypes, we may have internalized a range of negative beliefs about ourselves. Therefore, in adulthood, we may have persistent self-defeating thoughts about who we are (“I’m too sensitive”), what we believe we can’t do (“I’m not smart enough for this job”), what we believe always happens (“I’ll end up alone, as usual”) and what we believe never happens (“I’ll never find a partner”).

Explore your own self-talk

What does your self-talk reflect about any negative beliefs you hold about yourself? What self-critical thoughts do you have that potentially overshadow any positive feelings and beliefs you may also have about yourself? What stories do you tell yourself that reflect a disempowering perspective about who you are? As believable these thoughts may appear when they arise, I’d like you to consider that they are likely false assumptions that have taken root within your mind.

Can you relate to any of the following?

I’m not good enough.

I am not worthy of love.

I’m not attractive enough.

Your Daily Puzzles

Cross|Word

Flipart

Typeshift

SpellTower

Really Bad Chess

Something is wrong with me.

I am fundamentally flawed and inadequate.

I feel ashamed when I make a mistake.

I feel ashamed about my imperfect body.

I don’t trust my own perceptions, and therefore doubt myself.

I am powerless.

I am responsible for everything that goes wrong.

I am alone and always will be.

I don’t make good decisions.

My feelings and needs don’t matter.

Impact on partnership

When we hold such negative beliefs about ourselves, we may tend to make negative assumptions about our partner. For example, Jane has a belief that she is unworthy of being loved. Her partner is running late from work and forgets to let her know. When her partner arrives home, she assumes that her partner does not really care about her, since she wasn’t told about running late. She feels deeply hurt and angry, and is absolutely certain that her perception is correct, since her belief about her unworthiness is dominating her thinking.

As this example points out, we can see how negative self-talk can be both self-defeating and incorrect, causing us to view our partner in a negative light that is not accurate. We then might find ourselves accusing, arguing, criticizing, withdrawing, or difficult to console, since we find it hard to let go of what we are believing to be true. No matter what our partner says to convince us otherwise, our beliefs feel totally correct and unwavering, as if set in stone. Since we don’t question them, these negative, incorrect “truths” can dictate how we conduct ourselves in partnership, and contribute to painful, stuck dynamics.

Moving forward: Can we overcome our negative beliefs?

Yes, we certainly can! We can change the beliefs that are not serving us. A good place to start is to write down any negative beliefs you have about yourself. (Feel free to use the list above as a starting point). Notice any patterns in your thinking – the negative beliefs about yourself that often come up. Remember that these beliefs present themselves as thoughts in your head, rather than something you say out loud.

The power of our beliefs — and our ability to transform them — is truly remarkable!

As you work on this, it can be helpful to seek support from your partner, trusted friends, a therapist or a coach to dislodge any stubborn negative beliefs you have about yourself. I am cheering you on to use the following cut-out of “The 4 Cs” to keep developing accurate and positive beliefs about your wonderful self.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.