We’re coming upon the time of year when families make concerted efforts to reconnect, hopefully and preferably in person. Whether you’re called to call this “Thanksgiving” or “Friends-Giving” or “Day of Mourning” or something else, what these next weeks have in common is the idea of bringing “family” together, however one construes the notion of family. As humans, we’re all over the map in terms of how we feel about and get along with our families. The cluster of a small group of individuals may be borne out of the traditional notion of parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, or it may focus on relationships of choice, including lifelong or contemporary friends, significant others, close-knit colleagues, and those residing in our home communities and/or those further afield.
The holidays coming forward during these next couple of months offer many of us an opportunity to gather with those who mean so much to us, both deepening and even possibly redefining personal, familial, and intimate relationships. At the same time, making and implementing plans for travel and actually connecting with “family” can often be stressful and challenging. And if we don’t have access to family, however we define it, that can exacerbate the sense of isolation, loneliness, and aloneness many feel during the holiday season.
My small birth family — two brothers (plus me), two wives, and one up-and-coming adolescent — recently came together at my wife’s and my Greenfield home for a three-day clan reunion. Since our parents passed in 2021 and 2023, we have struggled to redefine who we are with and to one another given that our parents are gone. Previously, everything went through them; we were blessed that they had a very strong and loving 70-plus year marriage, and they had the gift of organizing, even recruiting, our wide and wild extended family for countless group celebrations and rites of passage. But without them, my two (younger) brothers and I have been challenged to maintain, let alone build, our family and legacy.
So coming together a couple of weeks back took a good many check-in phone calls, texts, and emails to coordinate as we, now the senior generation, take up the mantle and figure out how, where, and when to make visits happen. There’s joy in the doing, yes, but also a sense of occasional befuddlement in bringing everything and everyone together smoothly. In the end, for this chapter, it fell to my wife and me, as hosts, to coordinate the bevy of details that my parents had handled so deftly and for so long. Fortunately, our home affords us the space to house everyone together as had always been the case with our mom and dad.
Logistics aside, for one dinner and evening, we were able to layer in one of my wife’s two children and his family, including our two grandkids, aged 6½ and 4½, for the very first time ever! Sitting at the head of the table as the most senior citizen present, I glowed with quiet pride at what a poignant set of feelings fell over me. This was family history in the making, and the special and precious moment was not lost on me. The Yiddish word kvelling (“swelling with pride”) overtook me more than once, especially seeing how my 12½-year-old niece, about to be bat mitzvah next May, and our two grandchildren made an instant and meaningful connection, one that we had been eagerly awaiting in the weeks of planning everything. I’m still holding all that sweetness while hoping for more again, soon!
Whatever its context, there’s nothing quite like the reknitting and reuniting of one’s family. Even while there’s an ongoing (or occasional) shift in and out of this grouping, there’s also the defining power of continuity over time. There’s the genuineness and authenticity of deeply knowing each family member, including their history, their contemporary challenges, aspirations, and endeavors. I take comfort even in knowing precisely how to frame and phrase meaningful open-ended questions that will get each person talking about what’s real and important to them. Just as our parents did.
Growing up as we did in downtown Manhattan, hot chestnuts purchased in flimsy brown paper bags in Central Park was an ongoing memory for The Three Brothers. Lo and behold, there was a weekend chestnut festival that weekend just a matter of a few miles away, and that held a lot of staying power and storytelling as well. We also hiked to and around High Ledges in Shelburne Falls, had lovely dinners together, and a late evening outdoor bonfire in the crisp cool mid-October air. We loved hanging in, hanging out, and hanging loose together. Maybe next time the planning will come easier to whoever is prepped to host!
Despite the unpredictability that life brings on a daily basis, there are many things that are special and unique about being with family and nurturing these lifelong relationships conscientiously and with loving care. It is a blessing that I have a life that affords me the back-and-forth of loving and being loved at the same time. More than ever, I look forward to more family time wherever it takes me.
Daniel Cantor Yalowitz, Ed.D., writes a regular column for the Recorder. He is an intercultural and developmental psychologist and writes about issues focused on human and civil rights, human values, and his ongoing commitment to create a better world for us all. Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.