While waiting for my burrito, I overhear a snippet of conversation between two young men (late 20s or early 30s).
“I’m a decent guy!” says one. “I’ve never assaulted a woman in my life.”
The other replies, sounding peeved, “Right on, man! Me either. Jeez.”
I pay for my burrito and head out the door, thinking: That’s the standard for decency?
I don’t know what fueled their discussion, but the men seemed defensive and uneasy. Perhaps they referred to headlines about women’s marches, the legal battles of serial abusers, or yet another female corpse resulting from domestic violence.
My teenaged son told me last year that it’s confusing in our “Me Too” era, knowing that untrue allegations could be made against any man, leading to terrible disruption. He asked for my advice and we had an excellent conversation. I imagine the topic is worrisome for many men and I don’t envy them.
But to bring it back to the topic of decency, I imagine a different kind of “Me Too” movement, one that’s less dramatic than sexual assault, coercion, or rape. I’d also like our culture to focus attention on the fact that — in many areas of daily life — important tasks and categories are relegated largely to women and girls.
Before a man smugly congratulates himself for being decent based solely on his lack of perpetrating assault, he should ask: Do I leave most or all of my family’s child care or elder care to the female(s) in my life? Do I expect my sister, mother, or spouse to do the emotional work and nurturing in our family and community?
And to bring it right on home: Gentlemen, what about dirty dishes, vacuuming, toilet cleaning? Not to put too fine a point on it, but many women do not pee standing up. Splatters and sticky spots are not our responsibility. (I’m being humorous but, c’mon: really?)
Clearly, lack of violence is not the only litmus test for decency and fairness.
At the same time, I must be cognizant of what I delegate to men. I grew up in an era when tasks were strictly delineated into male/female categories. If I seek real fairness, I’ve got to challenge traditions of narrowness. I need to know how to make basic repairs around the house and keep track of routine car maintenance. It goes both ways.
I don’t relish warring between any and all genders. Instead, I think sisters and brothers can work together to care for elderly parents. All spouses (or ex-spouses) can devote time, thought, and planning when it comes to child rearing. Everyone living in the same household can contribute to upkeep and cleaning. These are not categories of “women’s work.” Everyone is hurt when that myth is allowed to stand.
It’s easy to fall into and remain in old patterns. Mental work is required to make changes. But if we speak to each other with respect and candor, we stand a chance of leaving unfairness behind as we move toward better balance.
To the men who don’t assault women: thank you. I appreciate it. To the men who go a step (or many steps) further by shouldering some of life’s many messy, quotidian responsibilities: I applaud your recognition of human rights.
Eveline MacDougall is the author of “Fiery Hope: Building Community with the Amandla Chorus.” She lives in Greenfield.