What do Norman Rockwell, Lifetime Television and Hallmark greeting cards all have in common? They have mythologized the holiday season, presenting us with images of freshly-scrubbed smiling faces seated around a table laden with tasty, browned birds at intergenerational gatherings where no one is arguing about politics or religion, and romantic gestures like kisses are exchanged under the mistletoe. But what are the holidays really like?
Often, they are incredibly stressful, lonely, or filled with family drama which has stretched on for decades, and we are left wondering why we seem to be the only ones who struggle to find the joy of the season. After all, doesn’t everyone have a big family, plenty of money and lots of love? What is wrong with us that we don’t have the great photos to share on social media?
Today more than ever, we are miserable in ever-growing numbers as we focus on comparison with others and recognize the contrast between the sort of holiday celebrations we see shown on screen versus the pitifully poor “real life” celebrations that never quite seem to live up to the hype. Add that to the commercialization of everything in America, and how can we help but be disappointed by what is sold to us as the “Most wonderful time of the year?” Our expectations are simply far too high, and impossible to live up to.
How can we manage our disappointment and reclaim Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year celebrations that are so rich in meaningful traditions? What might we do to enjoy the season without seeing only what we lack materially or relationally?
Buddhism teaches us that it isn’t the lack of abundance in our lives that leads to our suffering, but instead it is our unfulfilled expectations that brings about our unhappiness. Think about it for a moment; if I go to my in-law’s for Christmas dinner and I have a pre-conceived notion of what the meal, the décor and the conversation ought to be like, I am likely to wind up quite disappointed! My expectations haven’t been met, and I also then proceed to label the gathering “bad.” But is “different” the equivalent of “bad?” Or is it simply not what I anticipated and maybe different than my own traditions? Sometimes it is our expectation that gets in the way of enjoyment.
Hinduism comes at unmet expectations from a slightly different angle as it guides us to have no expectation for a particular outcome stemming from our own generosity or giving, and that we should give abundantly without needing to be applauded thereafter. So when your little nephew opens the latest video game you thoughtfully purchased, then tosses it aside to instantly move on to tearing open the next gift, instead of being angry, taking a moment to consider why that unexpressed gratitude got so deeply under your skin may reveal that your giving wasn’t quite so generous in spirit after all … it came with a price tag, to be paid back in words and hugs.
Christianity teaches us that our expectations are misplaced when we count on imperfect humans to fulfill them rather than God. We are to place our hope and trust in The Holy, and in doing so we will not be disappointed. We also learn from Scripture that we are created for community, wonderfully imperfect community that mirrors our own imperfection, and we can be less lonely if we embrace the messiness of relationships rather than sit back in constant judgment of others.
Your holiday season may never compare to what the media screams at us that it ought to be, but perhaps if we manage our expectations a wee bit better, we might find something extraordinary awaits us. Instead of commercialization, politicization and demonization … maybe we will find the sacred moments that patiently reside within the loneliness, the comparison and the disappointment.
Athol Congregational Church, UCC is a local community of faith that is “small enough to know you, large enough to serve.” We are currently celebrating “in person” worship as well as offering Facebook livestream services under “Athol Congregational.” Our pastor and our members are available for conversation on our Athol Congregational Church Facebook page, and through private messages, and we would love to connect! We offer long-distance Reiki through our certified practitioners, are willing to pray with you whatever your need, and want to know you, whoever you are! Our address is 1225 Chestnut Street, Athol, MA 01331 and our phone number is 978-249-6202. The Rev. Dr. Candi Ashenden is the senior pastor.