Some of the most psychologically damaging moments in youth sports happen during the car ride home.
Following a game or competition, your child’s nervous system is flying high. Whether they won or lost, their body is still in performance mode. Their heart rate is elevated — adrenaline lingers. They are more emotionally reactive and less logical than they will be an hour later.
And yet, this is when most post-game analysis happens.
I have been asked about this specific situation in my private practice. Well-intentioned parents want to be supportive in this moment, but many are unsure what to say. That’s understandable — parents are trying to help. They might ask questions or make suggestions, but children tend to retreat at this point.
This moment is particularly heavy following a team loss or tough individual performance, because both the athlete and the parent are naturally trying to find solutions and make sense of what just happened. The brain’s natural response to adversity is to try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Even neutral conversation can feel overwhelming at this point.
So, how do we move forward?
Every child is different, but the first step here is to regulate emotions. Give space and let some silence do the work for you. Before you talk about the missed shot or the pivotal moment in the game, try to calm their nervous system. Create connection.
When an athlete feels safe, their brain can process the situation. But when they feel judged or critiqued, their brain goes into straight defense mode. The goal here is to create an emotional environment that calms the nervous system and sets the stage for growth.
The second step is to ask one question — if the moment feels right. (Parents know their children best!) When unsure of what to say, parents tend to make the mistake of asking five questions in the first five minutes. We try to fill the silence, but this approach is typically overwhelming. Instead, ask one question. Just one. And make it a reflective one that gives them ownership.
Such as, “What did you learn today?” or “What felt hardest?” Then stop talking.
Silence can feel uncomfortable for parents. But this time is powerful for young athletes because it provides space to think and analyze.
When athletes are allowed to process their own performance, they build autonomy. They develop the ability to evaluate themselves internally instead of weighing external approval. This is what builds long-term confidence! When young athletes can learn to trust their own assessment of what just happened.
The third step during the car ride home is to ensure we separate the athlete from their performance. Often, their self-talk is super negative during this window of time following a game. Their mind is a carousel of “I stink, I can’t believe I just lost that game.” As parents, we certainly want to interrupt negative thinking patterns.
Young athletes — especially high achievers and kids who put a lot of pressure on themselves — tend to tie their identity to their performance. If they played well, they feel happy with themselves, but if they play poorly, that’s when the negative self-concept sets in.
That’s a heavy weight for a youth athlete to carry.
The car ride home provides an opportunity to reinforce something bigger than the game itself. If your child only feels happy and secure when they succeed, this leads to burnout. Pressure without the emotional skills to manage it quickly turns into anxiety.
Many high-achieving athletes are driven, talented and beyond capable, but they are terrified of disappointing people. Coaches, family, friends, teammates. They replay mistakes for hours on end and struggle to regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
By creating connection before correcting performance, parents build a psychologically safe environment. You don’t have to ignore coaching or reflective moments forever. Technical conversations can happen later when emotions are settled.
But immediately after competition? Choose to calm the waters.
Because the goal is to raise a confident, emotionally regulated young person who can handle adversity long after sports are over.
I’d take that win over less missed shots.
Carry on.
Jess Lapachinski is an athletic administrator and sport performance professional who lives in the Pioneer Valley. Jess can be reached at jl.victoryLap@gmail.com.