I would love to start this column on a positive note. But I’m going to do something more interesting. If you’ve read any of my pieces over the past several months, it’s been pretty apparent that I’ve been going through it — from both a physical and emotional standpoint. I’ve honestly been focusing on the physical aspect a lot, because I haven’t had the strength or words to express the thoughts going through my head the past few months.
I experienced my first real breakup at the end of July, and from the middle of August, I have been battling one illness after another. And I don’t think any of it has been a coincidence.
2025 was a year that brought me a lot of highs, lessons and also an immeasurable number of lows. And I naively thought, as the end of December came around, all of the illnesses I had experienced last year would be in the rearview mirror. I thought that on New Year’s Eve, I would be allowed a moment of reprieve to reflect on the previous year, as I typically do when the year is coming to a close. I also had been waiting approximately 20 years to finally watch the end of Wicked, because Wicked: For Good had finally been released on streaming.
It’s been a running joke between my mom and me that the Wicked play is cursed for me. Because I have been a huge fan of the show’s music since my mom’s best friend saw the show and brought me back a CD of the soundtrack, which I became obsessed with and played over and over again on the pink CD player that still lives next to my bed. Years later, when I was 12, my mom surprised me with tickets to a showing to the musical, which we never got to go to, because I got a nasty respiratory virus.
To further add to the lore, any time the musical would come to Hartford, no matter how healthy I was, I would inevitably be struck down by an illness. And last year, when the movie came out, I thought, “Finally, this is my chance to see it!” However, my plans to see it in the movie theatre were thwarted by — you guessed it — another illness. However, last New Year’s Eve, I was finally able to see the first part. And I desperately wanted to watch the second part this New Year’s Eve.
But there was another plan at play.
I spent New Year’s Eve night and the following days experiencing and attempting to manage extreme bouts of breathlessness and tachycardia, which were precipitated by another urinary tract infection that seemingly also came out of nowhere. Long story short, I was beyond ready for 2025 to end.
And as I turn the page to see what 2026 has in store for me, I’m strangely not defeated in the slightest. Instead, I’m hopeful.
While I went through a lot of things that I didn’t want to or didn’t see coming in 2025, one constant fact is true. I continued to keep breathing and made it through all the illnesses and emotional torment.
One of the most painful experiences of the year was the breakup with Joe. And I have spent the better part of the last five months trying to figure out a way to talk about him. While a big part of me has wanted to pay homage to what he and I were, there are a lot of parts of our relationship that I will probably never reveal here.
I will say that for the latter part of the year, my feelings toward him waffled dramatically. In my stronger moments, I was grateful for all the things he taught me about myself, seeing the whole experience as positively as I could — because it was all bound to happen and to come crashing down. In my weaker days, I cried hysterically to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift and used every ounce of willpower in my body to not break my promise of never texting him again. But I walked away from the relationship knowing that I gave him everything that I could, while he couldn’t even tell me that he had concrete feelings for me, six months in.
Furthermore, that relationship has also changed my approach to dating. I’m learning the art of being picky regarding the men I find discerning enough to give my attention to. Because of all that happened with Joe, I am just one step closer to finding my person.
In the meantime, I will keep flirting with guys until someone closer to right enters my path. And I’ll re-acquaint myself with my first love: reading.
Because nothing is certain in this life, except for the fact that there are no days off when you have a disability.
So, I’m going to find joy in the small moments that I can. And since I finally got to see Wicked: For Good earlier this week, I’m going to choose to ignore its signs as a harbinger and bask in the joy that the long-awaited journey to Oz has given me.